I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I've been relying on "sleeping aids" to coax me INTO bed and get me to sleep. I float through my day as if I have no responsibilities. I daydream. I feel sluggish, lazy, unmotivated. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I lack the drive to move forward. I feel like every task is much too daunting to conquer. Family and friends call but I don't want to talk to them unless I'm in the mood to. I haven't sent out any "thank you" cards for flowers, donations, assistance. I have no momentum. Friends have gotten frustrated with me because I'm not returning phone calls. People have said, "I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow" or commented on my changed attitude. Others can't understand why I can be so happy and carefree one moment and the next withdrawn and scattered.
I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.
Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.
All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.
I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:
I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.
Her response?
I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.
That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....
I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Scattered Thoughts
Written over the course of the week of March 1, 2009. Here's a little glimpse at my grief. It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion, changing from one minute to the next.
A Series of Thoughts
1st thought
"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.
Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.
2nd thought
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.
Let me start again.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.
It just sunk in all of a sudden.
I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.
And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.
3rd (and final) thought
"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".
A Series of Thoughts
"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.
Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.
Let me start again.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.
It just sunk in all of a sudden.
I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.
And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.
"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".
Friday, February 20, 2009
Stages of Grief
It's 10PM and I'm sitting in the dining room opposite my Mom's 24 hour crisis care Hospice nurse. It's quite disconcerting knowing that someone has put a limit on your Mom's life. It's surreal to think the breathing you hear coming through on the baby monitor may cease at any moment.
I've run a full gammut of emotions in the past 24 hours. I've been sad, happy, nostalgic, numb - but now I'm experiencing the worst one yet. Anger. What am I angry at? I don't even know. The world? Everything is making me angry. I know it's the grief but I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel so out of control and almost outside myself. I feel like I'm in a car spinning on ice.
I know what I'm going through is natural and normal but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to sit here and watch the life literally fade from her. I'm watching death happen. It's cruel.
I may feel different when the sun comes up but right now, I'm falling apart.
I've run a full gammut of emotions in the past 24 hours. I've been sad, happy, nostalgic, numb - but now I'm experiencing the worst one yet. Anger. What am I angry at? I don't even know. The world? Everything is making me angry. I know it's the grief but I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel so out of control and almost outside myself. I feel like I'm in a car spinning on ice.
I know what I'm going through is natural and normal but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to sit here and watch the life literally fade from her. I'm watching death happen. It's cruel.
I may feel different when the sun comes up but right now, I'm falling apart.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Background Noise
This Sunday at church, I found myself distracted by the hundreds of thoughts racing through my head.
I was replaying all the details of the day before...I was recalling family drama...I was thinking ahead to my afternoon plans. In the background noise I heard Dr. Stepp talking about Mary, the mother of James and John, making the request that her sons sit on either side of his throne in heaven and how the other disciples took offense to this. Everything was a bit of a blur until - and it was almost as if the sermon was interrupted for a commercial break - Dr. Stepp said, "Isn't it amazing how we come to church to find God but our minds are focused on the distractions of our everyday life. We come here, but we can't find Him." It was at that moment I took notice.
I have a tendency to wander away from God when things are going well in my life. I find that I pray only in times of need or of distress rather than praying in times of happiness. I give thanks to God, but in passing. Just a wink and not much more than that.
Last night I was talking to a friend and I told him I was flipping through my Bible trying to find a good Bible verse for what was on my mind. He suggested I Google it. So I did. And I discovered that we are never nearer to God than when we are troubled. In times of comfort and ease we forget him. In the worst of times, we suddenly remember.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3
While our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are quite small in the grand scheme of things...and they won't last very long. Yet these opportunities for growth produce an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!
I was replaying all the details of the day before...I was recalling family drama...I was thinking ahead to my afternoon plans. In the background noise I heard Dr. Stepp talking about Mary, the mother of James and John, making the request that her sons sit on either side of his throne in heaven and how the other disciples took offense to this. Everything was a bit of a blur until - and it was almost as if the sermon was interrupted for a commercial break - Dr. Stepp said, "Isn't it amazing how we come to church to find God but our minds are focused on the distractions of our everyday life. We come here, but we can't find Him." It was at that moment I took notice.
I have a tendency to wander away from God when things are going well in my life. I find that I pray only in times of need or of distress rather than praying in times of happiness. I give thanks to God, but in passing. Just a wink and not much more than that.
Last night I was talking to a friend and I told him I was flipping through my Bible trying to find a good Bible verse for what was on my mind. He suggested I Google it. So I did. And I discovered that we are never nearer to God than when we are troubled. In times of comfort and ease we forget him. In the worst of times, we suddenly remember.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3
While our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are quite small in the grand scheme of things...and they won't last very long. Yet these opportunities for growth produce an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Happy One
Today my friend Tami told me that my blogs were so sad. I decided that TODAY my blog would be dedicated to the happy.
So here's what's making me happy in my world right now…
God and faith. Here's a guy who loves me unconditionally and is so merciful and gracious even when I'm so undeserving. I talk A LOT and, although he doesn't say much I know he's listening - and better yet, I know he's working on me. It's like the story Pastor Stepp told in church last Sunday of the shepherd who left his flock to find that 1 little sheep that nibbled it's way out of the pack and wandered away...lost and scared. And when he found that sheep, he celebrated it's return. See? That makes me smile!
Amazing friends. Amelia, who I have attached at my hip on Blackberry Messenger. She receives random messages from me throughout the night and early mornings when I can't sleep and just need to get some thoughts out. We both understand and can relate to one another. Sarah, who is away on the Rock Boat but will be back soon and spending more time with me here in Florida. She listens, asks questions and gives loving encouragement to me. She's unapologetically Sarah, and that makes me smile. LP, who makes nights to remember with me, eats cheesecake with me and laughs at my inappropriate and giraffe like tendencies. Chandler (and T) who host a weekly nurturing "Girl's Night" accompanied with bottles of vino, games of Apples to Apples and back patio caring and sharing, analyzing and impartial advising.
My family, who I've grown so much closer to over the past 3 months. Reconnecting with my cousin, Nicole, and catching up on life. Spending weekends with my sisters and brothers and lovin on my Mom. Making so many new memories, recalling old ones and laughing...just laughing.
Memorial Presbyterian Church. It's been a homecoming, of sorts, for me. All the families of kids I grew up with at King's Academy and friends I knew through First Baptist Church are flooding back into my life and it's a great feeling. I attend the Bible Study each Wednesday evening and sing in the choir on Sunday. I look forward to this each and every week.
Music. Ahh yes, Sarah knows the CD I have in my car. The one I put on when I need to clear my head, sing at the top of my lungs and forget about everything around me (except driving safe, of course). Writing lyrics, learning this guitar and these beasties called bar chords and not taking the cheaters way around them. So proud. My new weekly voice lessons and learning songs. It makes me smile too to realize all the things I've unlocked recently…my ability to sight-read, controlled breathing, time signatures…I've known all of this for years but never used it. I'm having all these, "I KNOW THIS!!!" moments and it's sweeeeeeet.
The furry little loves of my life. Bella and Benson. They truly are lights in my life and love unconditionally no matter if I spend 30 seconds with them or 3 hours. They've made me more responsible and, I suppose, more responsive. They always do something new to make me laugh.
This weather!! It's the one time during the year I can actually wear my Uggs in Florida. I wore a coat out last night! And a scarf! I love the crispness in the air when it's chilly. I love the cold weather SO much. Smiles.
Facebook. Yeah, facebook. Thanks for connecting me with all these blasts from my past. I've found pretty much everyone I went to King's Academy with and looking back through old photos and reminiscing with classmates has been so entertaining. It's wonderful to be able to communicate with my extended family and keep each other in the loop of what's going on in critical (and not so critical) moments. Bumper stickers and flair? Well, lately, they too have made me smile. It's the simple things, really.
Clematis Street makes me grin because I have yummy Rocco's Tacos and delicious Starbucks in my backyard. Weekends are bliss (during the day only though).
Hall & Oates, woooaaahhh here they come! Definitely a highlight in the smile/happy department. My brother and I scored front row seats...after almost 8 concerts that involved standing in the back, in the heat of summer, in the rain, driving to random cities throughout Florida...we will finally be seeing them in a way we've never seen them before.
My Blackberry. Guilty pleasure. I have a love/hate relationship with it really. My calendar keeps me on schedule and on time, believe it or not. Who knew the Blackberry was what I needed ALL this time to keep me from being late? Hah. I play Brickbreaker just 'one more time' to see if I can make it past level 11. The video, music, photo, memo, voice recorder capacities...yay. OK, enough about that.
I'm sure I'll add to this one blog as I realize more and more things that are bringing me happiness. These are just the things that are highlighted for me right now.
And so there, Tami. A happy blog. Boy that felt good!
So here's what's making me happy in my world right now…
God and faith. Here's a guy who loves me unconditionally and is so merciful and gracious even when I'm so undeserving. I talk A LOT and, although he doesn't say much I know he's listening - and better yet, I know he's working on me. It's like the story Pastor Stepp told in church last Sunday of the shepherd who left his flock to find that 1 little sheep that nibbled it's way out of the pack and wandered away...lost and scared. And when he found that sheep, he celebrated it's return. See? That makes me smile!
Amazing friends. Amelia, who I have attached at my hip on Blackberry Messenger. She receives random messages from me throughout the night and early mornings when I can't sleep and just need to get some thoughts out. We both understand and can relate to one another. Sarah, who is away on the Rock Boat but will be back soon and spending more time with me here in Florida. She listens, asks questions and gives loving encouragement to me. She's unapologetically Sarah, and that makes me smile. LP, who makes nights to remember with me, eats cheesecake with me and laughs at my inappropriate and giraffe like tendencies. Chandler (and T) who host a weekly nurturing "Girl's Night" accompanied with bottles of vino, games of Apples to Apples and back patio caring and sharing, analyzing and impartial advising.
My family, who I've grown so much closer to over the past 3 months. Reconnecting with my cousin, Nicole, and catching up on life. Spending weekends with my sisters and brothers and lovin on my Mom. Making so many new memories, recalling old ones and laughing...just laughing.
Memorial Presbyterian Church. It's been a homecoming, of sorts, for me. All the families of kids I grew up with at King's Academy and friends I knew through First Baptist Church are flooding back into my life and it's a great feeling. I attend the Bible Study each Wednesday evening and sing in the choir on Sunday. I look forward to this each and every week.
Music. Ahh yes, Sarah knows the CD I have in my car. The one I put on when I need to clear my head, sing at the top of my lungs and forget about everything around me (except driving safe, of course). Writing lyrics, learning this guitar and these beasties called bar chords and not taking the cheaters way around them. So proud. My new weekly voice lessons and learning songs. It makes me smile too to realize all the things I've unlocked recently…my ability to sight-read, controlled breathing, time signatures…I've known all of this for years but never used it. I'm having all these, "I KNOW THIS!!!" moments and it's sweeeeeeet.
The furry little loves of my life. Bella and Benson. They truly are lights in my life and love unconditionally no matter if I spend 30 seconds with them or 3 hours. They've made me more responsible and, I suppose, more responsive. They always do something new to make me laugh.
This weather!! It's the one time during the year I can actually wear my Uggs in Florida. I wore a coat out last night! And a scarf! I love the crispness in the air when it's chilly. I love the cold weather SO much. Smiles.
Facebook. Yeah, facebook. Thanks for connecting me with all these blasts from my past. I've found pretty much everyone I went to King's Academy with and looking back through old photos and reminiscing with classmates has been so entertaining. It's wonderful to be able to communicate with my extended family and keep each other in the loop of what's going on in critical (and not so critical) moments. Bumper stickers and flair? Well, lately, they too have made me smile. It's the simple things, really.
Clematis Street makes me grin because I have yummy Rocco's Tacos and delicious Starbucks in my backyard. Weekends are bliss (during the day only though).
Hall & Oates, woooaaahhh here they come! Definitely a highlight in the smile/happy department. My brother and I scored front row seats...after almost 8 concerts that involved standing in the back, in the heat of summer, in the rain, driving to random cities throughout Florida...we will finally be seeing them in a way we've never seen them before.
My Blackberry. Guilty pleasure. I have a love/hate relationship with it really. My calendar keeps me on schedule and on time, believe it or not. Who knew the Blackberry was what I needed ALL this time to keep me from being late? Hah. I play Brickbreaker just 'one more time' to see if I can make it past level 11. The video, music, photo, memo, voice recorder capacities...yay. OK, enough about that.
I'm sure I'll add to this one blog as I realize more and more things that are bringing me happiness. These are just the things that are highlighted for me right now.
And so there, Tami. A happy blog. Boy that felt good!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Sirens Song
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." – Unknown
In Greek mythology, The Sirens are sisters (one of brilliant voice, one of enchanting words, one of persuasion and one of song) who lure sailors to their death. The song of the Sirens is irresistible but they reside beyond impassable reefs, which destroy the sailors boat when they try to reach the Sirens.
I need to turn this ship around. I keep crashing up against the jagged rocks over and over again. The temptation to continue on this dangerous course is bigger than me and I've grown weary of swimming away from this sinking vessel.
But the music is just beautiful...and so I drown.
In Greek mythology, The Sirens are sisters (one of brilliant voice, one of enchanting words, one of persuasion and one of song) who lure sailors to their death. The song of the Sirens is irresistible but they reside beyond impassable reefs, which destroy the sailors boat when they try to reach the Sirens.
I need to turn this ship around. I keep crashing up against the jagged rocks over and over again. The temptation to continue on this dangerous course is bigger than me and I've grown weary of swimming away from this sinking vessel.
But the music is just beautiful...and so I drown.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It's All Preparation
"Baby, I wish I could be here to see how your life turns out."
"I just hope I make the right choices, Momma."
"Just remember all those promises you made."
All my sisters converged upon my Mom's house this weekend to pack up her Christmas decorations. 2008 would be the last year my Mom's house would be decorated with all of her holiday treasures. So we selected all the little things that had special meaning to us and made our piles. I have a red Santa boot that has been around since before I was born and just knowing I will have it adorning my home someday at Christmas, warmed my heart.
We called it a girl's night slumber party - my Mom, my Aunt Pat, Ginger, Patty, Amy and I - we ordered pizza, had girl talk, laughed, cried, watched a movie, ate desserts and stayed up really late. It was truly a bonding experience. I'm amazed at how close we've all become through this trying time.
My Mom worries about me, being the youngest, and not being here to see me experience so many things. I don't want her to worry...but she's a Mom and I guess that's her job. I'm sitting here now in tears as I type this. I hope God allows her to be an angel in my life so she can watch how it all unfolds.
I just hope I make her proud.
"I just hope I make the right choices, Momma."
"Just remember all those promises you made."
All my sisters converged upon my Mom's house this weekend to pack up her Christmas decorations. 2008 would be the last year my Mom's house would be decorated with all of her holiday treasures. So we selected all the little things that had special meaning to us and made our piles. I have a red Santa boot that has been around since before I was born and just knowing I will have it adorning my home someday at Christmas, warmed my heart.
We called it a girl's night slumber party - my Mom, my Aunt Pat, Ginger, Patty, Amy and I - we ordered pizza, had girl talk, laughed, cried, watched a movie, ate desserts and stayed up really late. It was truly a bonding experience. I'm amazed at how close we've all become through this trying time.
My Mom worries about me, being the youngest, and not being here to see me experience so many things. I don't want her to worry...but she's a Mom and I guess that's her job. I'm sitting here now in tears as I type this. I hope God allows her to be an angel in my life so she can watch how it all unfolds.
I just hope I make her proud.
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