I often lay in bed at night unable to sleep. You see, instead of counting blessings, I count all the things God has taken away from me. I'm afraid to be too thankful for what I do have for fear He'll sense the value and repossess those things as well. I suppose the things that were taken weren't really mine anyway. They were His. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." But there's so much security and ease in the things we have and cherish. We become so accustomed to those things in our lives that, to lose something, throws the entire balance of the familiar off.
I tried explaining it tonight to Jeff and I put it like this - I once had everything I held dear in a little box. My 'things' were secure and safe. I always knew where they were and I could visit them anytime I wanted. Then the box was spilled, and everything was either lost or shattered to bits. Some pieces would never be found and some could never be put back together the same way again. Some days, I'm still a little girl sitting on the floor, looking at this empty box, and crying over all that I had and lost. Other times, I simply bend down, pick up what's remaining and resolve myself to the idea that I'll get around to putting the pieces back together someday. Neither situation is ideal, really.
I'm still sorting through it all. I'm trying to pick up the pieces and, most days, I'm glad my Mom's not here to see the mess. This isn't at all how I imagined it would be. My heart is still broken and I'm incomplete. I'm searching desperately for some beacon of light to warm me, fill in the empty spaces in my heart, and guide me home.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thanksgiving 2006 - Reblog
As a reminder of things to be thankful for, I'm reblogging my Thanksgiving 2006 adventures with the C. Groovers.
Thanksgiving 2006
Pre-trip intro: So my older brother and his son (who's 11) decided they wanted to fly up from Florida for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and stay for a couple days to do some sightseeing. They got in early Wednesday morning and I met up with them at the hotel that night. It was their first trip to NY.
WED/Nov. 22nd
My trips are never without an airport or airplane incident and this trip was no different. I flew out of Orlando and the flight was delayed for over 3 hours due to the weather conditions at LaGuardia. I thought they would cancel the flight but we managed to get into NYC just after 1 a.m. I got to the hotel and my brother and nephew were still awake and in awe that you could see Macy's from our 12th floor windows.
THU/Nov. 23rd
Parade day!! We got up and out around 10'ish and decided to walk down the street to Rockefeller Center to the Today Show but the streets were so blocked off we couldn't get around anywhere so we ended up at the Tick Tock Diner and had breakfast. It was cold, wet and windy - a perfect day to sightsee. Before breakfast we did see one balloon go down 34th Street - Snoopy and Woodstock. Pretty cool. After breakfast we met up with Amelia (my high school friend) at Penn Station where she was off to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. Then we hit the streets and picked up some umbrellas from street vendors. One corner sold them at $3 the next at $2. We managed to get a peek at the Garfield balloon before we all finally decided "okay, we're over it" and trekked towards the Empire State Building. The top of the building was barely visible due to the clouds so my brother and I talked my nephew out of going up. There wouldn't be much to see and chances are the observatory deck would be closed because of the gusty winds and heavy rain. Besides, he was just at the Top of the Rock the day before at Rockefeller Center and got a bird's eye view of the city. So we skipped the E.S.B. and ducked into Starbucks so we could warm up with some hot chocolate. We alternated hands between holding the cup and holding the umbrella because it was THAT frigid. We walked a lot and took the train. We were pros by the end of the day - even if we did end up going the wrong way on the right train a couple times.
We took the train down to the World Trade Center site and walked around in amazement. There was a single American flag waving through the rain and wind and it was so peaceful. We walked towards Battery Park and marveled at how some buildings were still being rebuilt from 9/11. We stopped in at a coffee shop on the corner where my nephew got his caramel mocha espresso coffee (whatever kept him going!) and I got another coffee to stay warm, and we strolled down by the river. We joked about seeing dead bodies floating in the river and 'sleeping with the fishes'. We got a great look at the Statue of Liberty through the rain and the haze...such a beautiful picture opportunity. It almost looks like a black and white photo, but that's how gray and dreary it was. And we loved every single minute of it.
Our patience was getting tested though because the wind started to pick up and it seemed like the temperature dropped 10 degrees down by the water. Our jeans and shoes were soaked...we were literally sloshing as we walked, but our toes were so cold and numb we couldn't feel it. Next stop was Grand Central Station.
We took a quick look around, warmed up and then headed back to the hotel. We needed to thaw out, dry out and pass out. We had high hopes for a fun Thanksgiving dinner later on that evening. So we got back to home base and put our shoes on the heater to dry out and sat back and watched "Malibu's Most Wanted". It got us back in the mood to go out again in the rain in search of dinner. We got dressed and took the train down to Bleecker Street. Finally a place I could navigate with ease and I was so excited to show my brother around the area. We get above ground and the wind was unbearable. Everything was closed. Village Lantern was open for dinner but my brother refused to, and I quote, "bring an 11 year old into a bar". He was pretty pissed that I suggested Bleecker Street for dinner. The way it all looked, I can't say that I blame him. NOTHING was open except the bars and it just made Bleecker seem seedy and shady. We ran into my friend, Jen, lurking in the shadows which prompts my brother to ask, "Is she homeless?" Again, he was umimpressed. So we start walking back towards the train and by this time we're hungry, annoyed, cold and wet. And perfectly timed, both of our umbrellas turn inside out in the middle of the pouring rain and we just stand there looking at each other shaking our heads. Finally back at the hotel, we duck into the restaurant there and order up some food. Service was awful and it wasn't our first choice to spend Thanksgiving dinner, but beggers can't be choosers. Chris and Christopher had the turkey platter, I had the tuna fish. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Highlights: "Jesus Take the Wheel" blaring from my cell phone at the diner; buying a hat and gloves and my brother calling me Brittany Murphy all day because of the hat and my sweet nephew giving me his 11 yr. old approval on my purchase.
FRI/Nov. 24th
The day started out really nice. My nephew came over to where I was in the suite and sat and watched the "Today Show" with me and wanted to go down and try to get on TV. Andrea Bocelli performed that morning!! It took us a little long to get up and out but we finally did and hit Dunkin Donuts before walking down to the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center and decided it was too busy to try to skate. We took some pictures, naturally, and walked down past St. Patrick's Cathedral and on to the next train to take us to Central Park. We thought we'd try Wollman Rink instead. Good choice. We got there and the zamboni was just coming off the ice. Perfect weather, perfect day - it couldn't have been more perfect in my book. As a matter of fact, a couple got engaged center ice during the session...it was so...perfect! haha My nephew fell a couple times but was a trooper and got right back up again.
I think we skated for almost 2 hours before finally stopping to grab a bite to eat. It was getting late and they had to catch a 4:45 flight so we grabbed lunch at the hotel at Joe O's.
We checked out of the hotel and hopped in cab together and they dropped me and my many bags off on the corner of 3rd and St. Marks. My nephew was so sad. He hugged me forever and said, "Do you think I could stay with you and your friend Amelia? I won't take up too much room." awww, it broke my heart. It was definitely one of the most memorable Thanksgivings I have ever had.
Thanksgiving 2006
Pre-trip intro: So my older brother and his son (who's 11) decided they wanted to fly up from Florida for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and stay for a couple days to do some sightseeing. They got in early Wednesday morning and I met up with them at the hotel that night. It was their first trip to NY.
WED/Nov. 22nd
My trips are never without an airport or airplane incident and this trip was no different. I flew out of Orlando and the flight was delayed for over 3 hours due to the weather conditions at LaGuardia. I thought they would cancel the flight but we managed to get into NYC just after 1 a.m. I got to the hotel and my brother and nephew were still awake and in awe that you could see Macy's from our 12th floor windows.
THU/Nov. 23rd
Parade day!! We got up and out around 10'ish and decided to walk down the street to Rockefeller Center to the Today Show but the streets were so blocked off we couldn't get around anywhere so we ended up at the Tick Tock Diner and had breakfast. It was cold, wet and windy - a perfect day to sightsee. Before breakfast we did see one balloon go down 34th Street - Snoopy and Woodstock. Pretty cool. After breakfast we met up with Amelia (my high school friend) at Penn Station where she was off to visit relatives for Thanksgiving. Then we hit the streets and picked up some umbrellas from street vendors. One corner sold them at $3 the next at $2. We managed to get a peek at the Garfield balloon before we all finally decided "okay, we're over it" and trekked towards the Empire State Building. The top of the building was barely visible due to the clouds so my brother and I talked my nephew out of going up. There wouldn't be much to see and chances are the observatory deck would be closed because of the gusty winds and heavy rain. Besides, he was just at the Top of the Rock the day before at Rockefeller Center and got a bird's eye view of the city. So we skipped the E.S.B. and ducked into Starbucks so we could warm up with some hot chocolate. We alternated hands between holding the cup and holding the umbrella because it was THAT frigid. We walked a lot and took the train. We were pros by the end of the day - even if we did end up going the wrong way on the right train a couple times.
We took the train down to the World Trade Center site and walked around in amazement. There was a single American flag waving through the rain and wind and it was so peaceful. We walked towards Battery Park and marveled at how some buildings were still being rebuilt from 9/11. We stopped in at a coffee shop on the corner where my nephew got his caramel mocha espresso coffee (whatever kept him going!) and I got another coffee to stay warm, and we strolled down by the river. We joked about seeing dead bodies floating in the river and 'sleeping with the fishes'. We got a great look at the Statue of Liberty through the rain and the haze...such a beautiful picture opportunity. It almost looks like a black and white photo, but that's how gray and dreary it was. And we loved every single minute of it.
Our patience was getting tested though because the wind started to pick up and it seemed like the temperature dropped 10 degrees down by the water. Our jeans and shoes were soaked...we were literally sloshing as we walked, but our toes were so cold and numb we couldn't feel it. Next stop was Grand Central Station.
We took a quick look around, warmed up and then headed back to the hotel. We needed to thaw out, dry out and pass out. We had high hopes for a fun Thanksgiving dinner later on that evening. So we got back to home base and put our shoes on the heater to dry out and sat back and watched "Malibu's Most Wanted". It got us back in the mood to go out again in the rain in search of dinner. We got dressed and took the train down to Bleecker Street. Finally a place I could navigate with ease and I was so excited to show my brother around the area. We get above ground and the wind was unbearable. Everything was closed. Village Lantern was open for dinner but my brother refused to, and I quote, "bring an 11 year old into a bar". He was pretty pissed that I suggested Bleecker Street for dinner. The way it all looked, I can't say that I blame him. NOTHING was open except the bars and it just made Bleecker seem seedy and shady. We ran into my friend, Jen, lurking in the shadows which prompts my brother to ask, "Is she homeless?" Again, he was umimpressed. So we start walking back towards the train and by this time we're hungry, annoyed, cold and wet. And perfectly timed, both of our umbrellas turn inside out in the middle of the pouring rain and we just stand there looking at each other shaking our heads. Finally back at the hotel, we duck into the restaurant there and order up some food. Service was awful and it wasn't our first choice to spend Thanksgiving dinner, but beggers can't be choosers. Chris and Christopher had the turkey platter, I had the tuna fish. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Highlights: "Jesus Take the Wheel" blaring from my cell phone at the diner; buying a hat and gloves and my brother calling me Brittany Murphy all day because of the hat and my sweet nephew giving me his 11 yr. old approval on my purchase.
FRI/Nov. 24th
The day started out really nice. My nephew came over to where I was in the suite and sat and watched the "Today Show" with me and wanted to go down and try to get on TV. Andrea Bocelli performed that morning!! It took us a little long to get up and out but we finally did and hit Dunkin Donuts before walking down to the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center and decided it was too busy to try to skate. We took some pictures, naturally, and walked down past St. Patrick's Cathedral and on to the next train to take us to Central Park. We thought we'd try Wollman Rink instead. Good choice. We got there and the zamboni was just coming off the ice. Perfect weather, perfect day - it couldn't have been more perfect in my book. As a matter of fact, a couple got engaged center ice during the session...it was so...perfect! haha My nephew fell a couple times but was a trooper and got right back up again.
I think we skated for almost 2 hours before finally stopping to grab a bite to eat. It was getting late and they had to catch a 4:45 flight so we grabbed lunch at the hotel at Joe O's.
We checked out of the hotel and hopped in cab together and they dropped me and my many bags off on the corner of 3rd and St. Marks. My nephew was so sad. He hugged me forever and said, "Do you think I could stay with you and your friend Amelia? I won't take up too much room." awww, it broke my heart. It was definitely one of the most memorable Thanksgivings I have ever had.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
That Old Suitcase
Seems I bitch a lot these days. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty that makes me smile as well but the bad stuff is just magnified now. I'm hoping it's temporary because I'm starting to annoy myself a little.
Happiness is...
watching Bella sleep and watching her little paw and tail twitch like she's chasing something.
having a ladybug crawl all over you and just being content.
looking into the eyes of someone who loves you and seeing your love reflected a hundredfold.
a new apartment and blank canvas on which to create your own masterpiece.
a warm embrace and a soft voice saying, "I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay."
Early Friday morning, someone broke into my car. They ransacked the glove box, the middle console and rifled through my loose change and papers. They left a blender, mechanical wine opener, yoga mat, a dress and a pair of shoes - all of which was waiting to make its way to my new apartment - lying, untouched, on the floor of the passenger's side. I popped the trunk and everything looked in place. At first glance I only noticed the mess. Then I realized, they took my make-up bag!! I bitched and moaned about how expensive make-up is. So, in a an effort to turn a negative experience into a positive one, I went shopping yesterday and splurged on the more expensive brands and decided I'd pamper myself. I came home with a smile on my face and felt an unfamiliar feeling...HAPPINESS.
As I was laying in bed this morning, I started thinking about the days events and how I needed to make sure I hit my storage unit before they closed at 1:45. I still have boxes of memories, from cleaning out my parent's house, taking up space in my apartment. And of course, my grandfather's old suitcase in my trunk full of my old Barbies, Strawberry Shortcake dolls, baby dolls, odds and ends from my childhood and most importantly, a note from my Dad stating how I was truly a joy "Love, Daddy". That suitcase held my childhood and a lifetime of memories that I hoped to share with my kids someday. I jumped out of bed, ran outside and popped my trunk. At second glance I realized there WAS something missing from the trunk. The suitcase. Remnants that it was there were still fresh in the trunk and in my mind. Old pieces of tattered leather were present on a old white towel laying close by.
You see, I've left pieces of my heart scattered all over the place in the past 34 years. And today, I'll never forget standing out on the street, in tears, when it hit me. *crash*
How strange to put a price on material and tangible things like make-up and mourn the loss of such a "necessity" (read:sarcasm) when something so precious and priceless has been taken from you.
And such is life.
Happiness is...
watching Bella sleep and watching her little paw and tail twitch like she's chasing something.
having a ladybug crawl all over you and just being content.
looking into the eyes of someone who loves you and seeing your love reflected a hundredfold.
a new apartment and blank canvas on which to create your own masterpiece.
a warm embrace and a soft voice saying, "I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay."
Early Friday morning, someone broke into my car. They ransacked the glove box, the middle console and rifled through my loose change and papers. They left a blender, mechanical wine opener, yoga mat, a dress and a pair of shoes - all of which was waiting to make its way to my new apartment - lying, untouched, on the floor of the passenger's side. I popped the trunk and everything looked in place. At first glance I only noticed the mess. Then I realized, they took my make-up bag!! I bitched and moaned about how expensive make-up is. So, in a an effort to turn a negative experience into a positive one, I went shopping yesterday and splurged on the more expensive brands and decided I'd pamper myself. I came home with a smile on my face and felt an unfamiliar feeling...HAPPINESS.
As I was laying in bed this morning, I started thinking about the days events and how I needed to make sure I hit my storage unit before they closed at 1:45. I still have boxes of memories, from cleaning out my parent's house, taking up space in my apartment. And of course, my grandfather's old suitcase in my trunk full of my old Barbies, Strawberry Shortcake dolls, baby dolls, odds and ends from my childhood and most importantly, a note from my Dad stating how I was truly a joy "Love, Daddy". That suitcase held my childhood and a lifetime of memories that I hoped to share with my kids someday. I jumped out of bed, ran outside and popped my trunk. At second glance I realized there WAS something missing from the trunk. The suitcase. Remnants that it was there were still fresh in the trunk and in my mind. Old pieces of tattered leather were present on a old white towel laying close by.
You see, I've left pieces of my heart scattered all over the place in the past 34 years. And today, I'll never forget standing out on the street, in tears, when it hit me. *crash*
How strange to put a price on material and tangible things like make-up and mourn the loss of such a "necessity" (read:sarcasm) when something so precious and priceless has been taken from you.
And such is life.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Baby Steps
Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been, well, quite some time since my last blog.
It's been a wild ride, that's for sure. I've watched friendships fade, friendships flourish, family fade, and family flourish. When I said this was a metamorphosis, I wasn't kidding. I've come a long way since February but have accepted that I still have a long way to go. To those closest to me, thank you for being patient with me and loving me through all of this pain and stress. I'm doing the best I can at the present time.
One minute I've got it all together and the next it just slips through my grasp.
Undone
Tim Blane
I wear a piece of you curved on my finger
On an otherwise plain left hand
It was the least I knew of how to remember
The place that I began
I don’t know if I should listen to logic or lose it
I know it’s just a symbol, but still…
I’m grown up somehow
I may not be the prodigal son
But don’t look now
I’m finally starting to come undone
I felt the piece of you snap under pressure
When I opened up my fist
First thing I thought of was how it would upset you
If you were here to witness this
I don’t know if I just take it for granted, But I’m used
to feeling more together than right now
Half Of It
Tim Blane
It’s guess work, it’s child’s play, but frustrates you when
You sense it, it passes and won’t come back again
You think you can taste it, an answer maybe two
Until your shouting at the sky for a signal of what to do
You feel like some days it hurts to pray
But you don’t know the half of it
Making too much noise to listen for the call back
So give God a break
Cause even if he answers you
I think you might not hear the phone ring anyway
The mind tricks, the eyes fool, the ears play along
When you’re asking for fixes to everything that’s wrong
Persistence is worth it, but listen as well
Cause you can’t hear back if you’re only inclined to yell
Even good intentions
Will leave you feeling left out
If you never take time off
Stop This Train
John Mayer
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
Life will never be the same without you, but I'm trying to find my way.
It's been a wild ride, that's for sure. I've watched friendships fade, friendships flourish, family fade, and family flourish. When I said this was a metamorphosis, I wasn't kidding. I've come a long way since February but have accepted that I still have a long way to go. To those closest to me, thank you for being patient with me and loving me through all of this pain and stress. I'm doing the best I can at the present time.
One minute I've got it all together and the next it just slips through my grasp.
Undone
Tim Blane
I wear a piece of you curved on my finger
On an otherwise plain left hand
It was the least I knew of how to remember
The place that I began
I don’t know if I should listen to logic or lose it
I know it’s just a symbol, but still…
I’m grown up somehow
I may not be the prodigal son
But don’t look now
I’m finally starting to come undone
I felt the piece of you snap under pressure
When I opened up my fist
First thing I thought of was how it would upset you
If you were here to witness this
I don’t know if I just take it for granted, But I’m used
to feeling more together than right now
Half Of It
Tim Blane
It’s guess work, it’s child’s play, but frustrates you when
You sense it, it passes and won’t come back again
You think you can taste it, an answer maybe two
Until your shouting at the sky for a signal of what to do
You feel like some days it hurts to pray
But you don’t know the half of it
Making too much noise to listen for the call back
So give God a break
Cause even if he answers you
I think you might not hear the phone ring anyway
The mind tricks, the eyes fool, the ears play along
When you’re asking for fixes to everything that’s wrong
Persistence is worth it, but listen as well
Cause you can’t hear back if you’re only inclined to yell
Even good intentions
Will leave you feeling left out
If you never take time off
Stop This Train
John Mayer
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train
See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
Life will never be the same without you, but I'm trying to find my way.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Recovery
Perhaps my metamorphosis has been in the process all along. However, to me, it feels like it happened overnight.
I remember walking up the sidewalk to my Mom's house on the day we all left and as I reached the door, it hit me...I grew up. I was no longer anyone's child. I was on my own. It was as scary as it was exhilarating. It was as if everything my Mom had ever taught me was preparing me for this moment. The proverbial Momma bird, Baby bird scenario...time to leave the nest little one and fly on your own.
I feel a little ill-prepared, like I'm not ready for the training wheels to come off yet. I'm just getting my footing after the loss but there are reminders everywhere that life goes on - and so must I. But sometimes life moves so fast that I merely move out of the way so I don't get rolled over. Not being an active participant isn't healthy. I need to merge back into the current of life and join the crowd again. Baby steps.
I told a close friend that I feel like I've aged 5 years and it shows...at least to me. I see it in my eyes. I feel like I've lost my sparkle and in some ways, I have. My Mom was a light in my life and the light burned out. I'm left to be a reflection of that light and need to create my own but I'm afraid I've dimmed a little.
So how do I recapture that spirit, vivacity and light?
Nothing makes sense right now. I just go through motions. I get up and shower, get dressed, go to work...because I have to...certainly not because I want to.
I'm just so tired.
I remember walking up the sidewalk to my Mom's house on the day we all left and as I reached the door, it hit me...I grew up. I was no longer anyone's child. I was on my own. It was as scary as it was exhilarating. It was as if everything my Mom had ever taught me was preparing me for this moment. The proverbial Momma bird, Baby bird scenario...time to leave the nest little one and fly on your own.
I feel a little ill-prepared, like I'm not ready for the training wheels to come off yet. I'm just getting my footing after the loss but there are reminders everywhere that life goes on - and so must I. But sometimes life moves so fast that I merely move out of the way so I don't get rolled over. Not being an active participant isn't healthy. I need to merge back into the current of life and join the crowd again. Baby steps.
I told a close friend that I feel like I've aged 5 years and it shows...at least to me. I see it in my eyes. I feel like I've lost my sparkle and in some ways, I have. My Mom was a light in my life and the light burned out. I'm left to be a reflection of that light and need to create my own but I'm afraid I've dimmed a little.
So how do I recapture that spirit, vivacity and light?
Nothing makes sense right now. I just go through motions. I get up and shower, get dressed, go to work...because I have to...certainly not because I want to.
I'm just so tired.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
And That's Okay
I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I've been relying on "sleeping aids" to coax me INTO bed and get me to sleep. I float through my day as if I have no responsibilities. I daydream. I feel sluggish, lazy, unmotivated. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I lack the drive to move forward. I feel like every task is much too daunting to conquer. Family and friends call but I don't want to talk to them unless I'm in the mood to. I haven't sent out any "thank you" cards for flowers, donations, assistance. I have no momentum. Friends have gotten frustrated with me because I'm not returning phone calls. People have said, "I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow" or commented on my changed attitude. Others can't understand why I can be so happy and carefree one moment and the next withdrawn and scattered.
I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.
Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.
All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.
I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:
I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.
Her response?
I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.
That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....
I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.
I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.
Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.
All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.
I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:
I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.
Her response?
I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.
That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....
I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Scattered Thoughts
Written over the course of the week of March 1, 2009. Here's a little glimpse at my grief. It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion, changing from one minute to the next.
A Series of Thoughts
1st thought
"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.
Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.
2nd thought
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.
Let me start again.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.
It just sunk in all of a sudden.
I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.
And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.
3rd (and final) thought
"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".
A Series of Thoughts
"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.
Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.
Let me start again.
I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.
It just sunk in all of a sudden.
I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.
And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.
"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".
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