It's 10PM and I'm sitting in the dining room opposite my Mom's 24 hour crisis care Hospice nurse. It's quite disconcerting knowing that someone has put a limit on your Mom's life. It's surreal to think the breathing you hear coming through on the baby monitor may cease at any moment.
I've run a full gammut of emotions in the past 24 hours. I've been sad, happy, nostalgic, numb - but now I'm experiencing the worst one yet. Anger. What am I angry at? I don't even know. The world? Everything is making me angry. I know it's the grief but I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel so out of control and almost outside myself. I feel like I'm in a car spinning on ice.
I know what I'm going through is natural and normal but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to sit here and watch the life literally fade from her. I'm watching death happen. It's cruel.
I may feel different when the sun comes up but right now, I'm falling apart.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Background Noise
This Sunday at church, I found myself distracted by the hundreds of thoughts racing through my head.
I was replaying all the details of the day before...I was recalling family drama...I was thinking ahead to my afternoon plans. In the background noise I heard Dr. Stepp talking about Mary, the mother of James and John, making the request that her sons sit on either side of his throne in heaven and how the other disciples took offense to this. Everything was a bit of a blur until - and it was almost as if the sermon was interrupted for a commercial break - Dr. Stepp said, "Isn't it amazing how we come to church to find God but our minds are focused on the distractions of our everyday life. We come here, but we can't find Him." It was at that moment I took notice.
I have a tendency to wander away from God when things are going well in my life. I find that I pray only in times of need or of distress rather than praying in times of happiness. I give thanks to God, but in passing. Just a wink and not much more than that.
Last night I was talking to a friend and I told him I was flipping through my Bible trying to find a good Bible verse for what was on my mind. He suggested I Google it. So I did. And I discovered that we are never nearer to God than when we are troubled. In times of comfort and ease we forget him. In the worst of times, we suddenly remember.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3
While our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are quite small in the grand scheme of things...and they won't last very long. Yet these opportunities for growth produce an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!
I was replaying all the details of the day before...I was recalling family drama...I was thinking ahead to my afternoon plans. In the background noise I heard Dr. Stepp talking about Mary, the mother of James and John, making the request that her sons sit on either side of his throne in heaven and how the other disciples took offense to this. Everything was a bit of a blur until - and it was almost as if the sermon was interrupted for a commercial break - Dr. Stepp said, "Isn't it amazing how we come to church to find God but our minds are focused on the distractions of our everyday life. We come here, but we can't find Him." It was at that moment I took notice.
I have a tendency to wander away from God when things are going well in my life. I find that I pray only in times of need or of distress rather than praying in times of happiness. I give thanks to God, but in passing. Just a wink and not much more than that.
Last night I was talking to a friend and I told him I was flipping through my Bible trying to find a good Bible verse for what was on my mind. He suggested I Google it. So I did. And I discovered that we are never nearer to God than when we are troubled. In times of comfort and ease we forget him. In the worst of times, we suddenly remember.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:25-26
"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3
While our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are quite small in the grand scheme of things...and they won't last very long. Yet these opportunities for growth produce an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!
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