It's 10PM and I'm sitting in the dining room opposite my Mom's 24 hour crisis care Hospice nurse. It's quite disconcerting knowing that someone has put a limit on your Mom's life. It's surreal to think the breathing you hear coming through on the baby monitor may cease at any moment.
I've run a full gammut of emotions in the past 24 hours. I've been sad, happy, nostalgic, numb - but now I'm experiencing the worst one yet. Anger. What am I angry at? I don't even know. The world? Everything is making me angry. I know it's the grief but I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel so out of control and almost outside myself. I feel like I'm in a car spinning on ice.
I know what I'm going through is natural and normal but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to sit here and watch the life literally fade from her. I'm watching death happen. It's cruel.
I may feel different when the sun comes up but right now, I'm falling apart.
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