That Old Suitcase

Seems I bitch a lot these days. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty that makes me smile as well but the bad stuff is just magnified now. I'm hoping it's temporary because I'm starting to annoy myself a little.

Happiness is...

watching Bella sleep and watching her little paw and tail twitch like she's chasing something.

having a ladybug crawl all over you and just being content.

looking into the eyes of someone who loves you and seeing your love reflected a hundredfold.

a new apartment and blank canvas on which to create your own masterpiece.

a warm embrace and a soft voice saying, "I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay."

Early Friday morning, someone broke into my car. They ransacked the glove box, the middle console and rifled through my loose change and papers. They left a blender, mechanical wine opener, yoga mat, a dress and a pair of shoes - all of which was waiting to make its way to my new apartment - lying, untouched, on the floor of the passenger's side. I popped the trunk and everything looked in place. At first glance I only noticed the mess. Then I realized, they took my make-up bag!! I bitched and moaned about how expensive make-up is. So, in a an effort to turn a negative experience into a positive one, I went shopping yesterday and splurged on the more expensive brands and decided I'd pamper myself. I came home with a smile on my face and felt an unfamiliar feeling...HAPPINESS.

As I was laying in bed this morning, I started thinking about the days events and how I needed to make sure I hit my storage unit before they closed at 1:45. I still have boxes of memories, from cleaning out my parent's house, taking up space in my apartment. And of course, my grandfather's old suitcase in my trunk full of my old Barbies, Strawberry Shortcake dolls, baby dolls, odds and ends from my childhood and most importantly, a note from my Dad stating how I was truly a joy "Love, Daddy". That suitcase held my childhood and a lifetime of memories that I hoped to share with my kids someday. I jumped out of bed, ran outside and popped my trunk. At second glance I realized there WAS something missing from the trunk. The suitcase. Remnants that it was there were still fresh in the trunk and in my mind. Old pieces of tattered leather were present on a old white towel laying close by.

You see, I've left pieces of my heart scattered all over the place in the past 34 years. And today, I'll never forget standing out on the street, in tears, when it hit me. *crash*



How strange to put a price on material and tangible things like make-up and mourn the loss of such a "necessity" (read:sarcasm) when something so precious and priceless has been taken from you.

And such is life.

Baby Steps

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been, well, quite some time since my last blog.

It's been a wild ride, that's for sure. I've watched friendships fade, friendships flourish, family fade, and family flourish. When I said this was a metamorphosis, I wasn't kidding. I've come a long way since February but have accepted that I still have a long way to go. To those closest to me, thank you for being patient with me and loving me through all of this pain and stress. I'm doing the best I can at the present time.



One minute I've got it all together and the next it just slips through my grasp.



Undone
Tim Blane

I wear a piece of you curved on my finger
On an otherwise plain left hand
It was the least I knew of how to remember
The place that I began



I don’t know if I should listen to logic or lose it
I know it’s just a symbol, but still…

I’m grown up somehow
I may not be the prodigal son
But don’t look now
I’m finally starting to come undone

I felt the piece of you snap under pressure
When I opened up my fist
First thing I thought of was how it would upset you
If you were here to witness this

I don’t know if I just take it for granted, But I’m used
to feeling more together than right now




Half Of It
Tim Blane

It’s guess work, it’s child’s play, but frustrates you when
You sense it, it passes and won’t come back again
You think you can taste it, an answer maybe two
Until your shouting at the sky for a signal of what to do

You feel like some days it hurts to pray
But you don’t know the half of it
Making too much noise to listen for the call back
So give God a break
Cause even if he answers you
I think you might not hear the phone ring anyway

The mind tricks, the eyes fool, the ears play along
When you’re asking for fixes to everything that’s wrong
Persistence is worth it, but listen as well
Cause you can’t hear back if you’re only inclined to yell

Even good intentions
Will leave you feeling left out
If you never take time off


Stop This Train
John Mayer

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own



Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.



Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train







Life will never be the same without you, but I'm trying to find my way.