Scattered Thoughts

Written over the course of the week of March 1, 2009. Here's a little glimpse at my grief. It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion, changing from one minute to the next.

A Series of Thoughts


1st thought

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.

Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.


2nd thought

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.

Let me start again.

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.

It just sunk in all of a sudden.

I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.

And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.


3rd (and final) thought

"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".