And That's Okay

I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I've been relying on "sleeping aids" to coax me INTO bed and get me to sleep. I float through my day as if I have no responsibilities. I daydream. I feel sluggish, lazy, unmotivated. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I lack the drive to move forward. I feel like every task is much too daunting to conquer. Family and friends call but I don't want to talk to them unless I'm in the mood to. I haven't sent out any "thank you" cards for flowers, donations, assistance. I have no momentum. Friends have gotten frustrated with me because I'm not returning phone calls. People have said, "I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow" or commented on my changed attitude. Others can't understand why I can be so happy and carefree one moment and the next withdrawn and scattered.

I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.

Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.

All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.

I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:

I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.

Her response?

I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.

That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....


I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.

Scattered Thoughts

Written over the course of the week of March 1, 2009. Here's a little glimpse at my grief. It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion, changing from one minute to the next.

A Series of Thoughts


1st thought

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.

Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.


2nd thought

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.

Let me start again.

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.

It just sunk in all of a sudden.

I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.

And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.


3rd (and final) thought

"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".