And That's Okay

I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I've been relying on "sleeping aids" to coax me INTO bed and get me to sleep. I float through my day as if I have no responsibilities. I daydream. I feel sluggish, lazy, unmotivated. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I lack the drive to move forward. I feel like every task is much too daunting to conquer. Family and friends call but I don't want to talk to them unless I'm in the mood to. I haven't sent out any "thank you" cards for flowers, donations, assistance. I have no momentum. Friends have gotten frustrated with me because I'm not returning phone calls. People have said, "I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow" or commented on my changed attitude. Others can't understand why I can be so happy and carefree one moment and the next withdrawn and scattered.

I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.

Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.

All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.

I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:

I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.

Her response?

I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.

That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....


I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.