Recovery

Perhaps my metamorphosis has been in the process all along. However, to me, it feels like it happened overnight.

I remember walking up the sidewalk to my Mom's house on the day we all left and as I reached the door, it hit me...I grew up. I was no longer anyone's child. I was on my own. It was as scary as it was exhilarating. It was as if everything my Mom had ever taught me was preparing me for this moment. The proverbial Momma bird, Baby bird scenario...time to leave the nest little one and fly on your own.

I feel a little ill-prepared, like I'm not ready for the training wheels to come off yet. I'm just getting my footing after the loss but there are reminders everywhere that life goes on - and so must I. But sometimes life moves so fast that I merely move out of the way so I don't get rolled over. Not being an active participant isn't healthy. I need to merge back into the current of life and join the crowd again. Baby steps.

I told a close friend that I feel like I've aged 5 years and it shows...at least to me. I see it in my eyes. I feel like I've lost my sparkle and in some ways, I have. My Mom was a light in my life and the light burned out. I'm left to be a reflection of that light and need to create my own but I'm afraid I've dimmed a little.

So how do I recapture that spirit, vivacity and light?

Nothing makes sense right now. I just go through motions. I get up and shower, get dressed, go to work...because I have to...certainly not because I want to.

I'm just so tired.