Today my friend Tami told me that my blogs were so sad. I decided that TODAY my blog would be dedicated to the happy.
So here's what's making me happy in my world right now…
God and faith. Here's a guy who loves me unconditionally and is so merciful and gracious even when I'm so undeserving. I talk A LOT and, although he doesn't say much I know he's listening - and better yet, I know he's working on me. It's like the story Pastor Stepp told in church last Sunday of the shepherd who left his flock to find that 1 little sheep that nibbled it's way out of the pack and wandered away...lost and scared. And when he found that sheep, he celebrated it's return. See? That makes me smile!
Amazing friends. Amelia, who I have attached at my hip on Blackberry Messenger. She receives random messages from me throughout the night and early mornings when I can't sleep and just need to get some thoughts out. We both understand and can relate to one another. Sarah, who is away on the Rock Boat but will be back soon and spending more time with me here in Florida. She listens, asks questions and gives loving encouragement to me. She's unapologetically Sarah, and that makes me smile. LP, who makes nights to remember with me, eats cheesecake with me and laughs at my inappropriate and giraffe like tendencies. Chandler (and T) who host a weekly nurturing "Girl's Night" accompanied with bottles of vino, games of Apples to Apples and back patio caring and sharing, analyzing and impartial advising.
My family, who I've grown so much closer to over the past 3 months. Reconnecting with my cousin, Nicole, and catching up on life. Spending weekends with my sisters and brothers and lovin on my Mom. Making so many new memories, recalling old ones and laughing...just laughing.
Memorial Presbyterian Church. It's been a homecoming, of sorts, for me. All the families of kids I grew up with at King's Academy and friends I knew through First Baptist Church are flooding back into my life and it's a great feeling. I attend the Bible Study each Wednesday evening and sing in the choir on Sunday. I look forward to this each and every week.
Music. Ahh yes, Sarah knows the CD I have in my car. The one I put on when I need to clear my head, sing at the top of my lungs and forget about everything around me (except driving safe, of course). Writing lyrics, learning this guitar and these beasties called bar chords and not taking the cheaters way around them. So proud. My new weekly voice lessons and learning songs. It makes me smile too to realize all the things I've unlocked recently…my ability to sight-read, controlled breathing, time signatures…I've known all of this for years but never used it. I'm having all these, "I KNOW THIS!!!" moments and it's sweeeeeeet.
The furry little loves of my life. Bella and Benson. They truly are lights in my life and love unconditionally no matter if I spend 30 seconds with them or 3 hours. They've made me more responsible and, I suppose, more responsive. They always do something new to make me laugh.
This weather!! It's the one time during the year I can actually wear my Uggs in Florida. I wore a coat out last night! And a scarf! I love the crispness in the air when it's chilly. I love the cold weather SO much. Smiles.
Facebook. Yeah, facebook. Thanks for connecting me with all these blasts from my past. I've found pretty much everyone I went to King's Academy with and looking back through old photos and reminiscing with classmates has been so entertaining. It's wonderful to be able to communicate with my extended family and keep each other in the loop of what's going on in critical (and not so critical) moments. Bumper stickers and flair? Well, lately, they too have made me smile. It's the simple things, really.
Clematis Street makes me grin because I have yummy Rocco's Tacos and delicious Starbucks in my backyard. Weekends are bliss (during the day only though).
Hall & Oates, woooaaahhh here they come! Definitely a highlight in the smile/happy department. My brother and I scored front row seats...after almost 8 concerts that involved standing in the back, in the heat of summer, in the rain, driving to random cities throughout Florida...we will finally be seeing them in a way we've never seen them before.
My Blackberry. Guilty pleasure. I have a love/hate relationship with it really. My calendar keeps me on schedule and on time, believe it or not. Who knew the Blackberry was what I needed ALL this time to keep me from being late? Hah. I play Brickbreaker just 'one more time' to see if I can make it past level 11. The video, music, photo, memo, voice recorder capacities...yay. OK, enough about that.
I'm sure I'll add to this one blog as I realize more and more things that are bringing me happiness. These are just the things that are highlighted for me right now.
And so there, Tami. A happy blog. Boy that felt good!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Sirens Song
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." – Unknown
In Greek mythology, The Sirens are sisters (one of brilliant voice, one of enchanting words, one of persuasion and one of song) who lure sailors to their death. The song of the Sirens is irresistible but they reside beyond impassable reefs, which destroy the sailors boat when they try to reach the Sirens.
I need to turn this ship around. I keep crashing up against the jagged rocks over and over again. The temptation to continue on this dangerous course is bigger than me and I've grown weary of swimming away from this sinking vessel.
But the music is just beautiful...and so I drown.
In Greek mythology, The Sirens are sisters (one of brilliant voice, one of enchanting words, one of persuasion and one of song) who lure sailors to their death. The song of the Sirens is irresistible but they reside beyond impassable reefs, which destroy the sailors boat when they try to reach the Sirens.
I need to turn this ship around. I keep crashing up against the jagged rocks over and over again. The temptation to continue on this dangerous course is bigger than me and I've grown weary of swimming away from this sinking vessel.
But the music is just beautiful...and so I drown.
Monday, January 19, 2009
It's All Preparation
"Baby, I wish I could be here to see how your life turns out."
"I just hope I make the right choices, Momma."
"Just remember all those promises you made."
All my sisters converged upon my Mom's house this weekend to pack up her Christmas decorations. 2008 would be the last year my Mom's house would be decorated with all of her holiday treasures. So we selected all the little things that had special meaning to us and made our piles. I have a red Santa boot that has been around since before I was born and just knowing I will have it adorning my home someday at Christmas, warmed my heart.
We called it a girl's night slumber party - my Mom, my Aunt Pat, Ginger, Patty, Amy and I - we ordered pizza, had girl talk, laughed, cried, watched a movie, ate desserts and stayed up really late. It was truly a bonding experience. I'm amazed at how close we've all become through this trying time.
My Mom worries about me, being the youngest, and not being here to see me experience so many things. I don't want her to worry...but she's a Mom and I guess that's her job. I'm sitting here now in tears as I type this. I hope God allows her to be an angel in my life so she can watch how it all unfolds.
I just hope I make her proud.
"I just hope I make the right choices, Momma."
"Just remember all those promises you made."
All my sisters converged upon my Mom's house this weekend to pack up her Christmas decorations. 2008 would be the last year my Mom's house would be decorated with all of her holiday treasures. So we selected all the little things that had special meaning to us and made our piles. I have a red Santa boot that has been around since before I was born and just knowing I will have it adorning my home someday at Christmas, warmed my heart.
We called it a girl's night slumber party - my Mom, my Aunt Pat, Ginger, Patty, Amy and I - we ordered pizza, had girl talk, laughed, cried, watched a movie, ate desserts and stayed up really late. It was truly a bonding experience. I'm amazed at how close we've all become through this trying time.
My Mom worries about me, being the youngest, and not being here to see me experience so many things. I don't want her to worry...but she's a Mom and I guess that's her job. I'm sitting here now in tears as I type this. I hope God allows her to be an angel in my life so she can watch how it all unfolds.
I just hope I make her proud.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Hope Against Hope
“Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.” ~ George Weinberg
”Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.” ~ Author Unknown
“Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man.” ~ Victor Hugo
Ahh there’s a word…HOPE. It means different things to different people. I HOPE I get that job promotion. I HOPE traffic lets up so I’m not late. I HOPE he likes me. I HOPE I’m not getting sick. I hope, I hope, I hope.
Hope is defined as a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Perhaps I’m using the word “hope” incorrectly these days. You see, I have an incredibly strong desire but it’s foolish to think that it will come to fruition the way I’m HOPING it will. There’s a term HOPE AGAINST HOPE and that means to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment. Maybe that’s the right attitude to have. But then, isn’t that doubting or being negative? Is it being realistic? Isn’t it exciting to HOPE? To have the anticipation that everything will turn out the way you want it too? But it doesn’t always work that way and then those feelings of hope are met with disappointment and sadness.
To go through life hopeless would be depressing. You’d never have anything to look forward to. You wouldn’t be able to celebrate those moments of prayers being answered or hope coming true. I suppose that being hopeful isn’t so bad. It’s a chance you take that may be met with conflict but at least there was that moment – that fleeting moment – when you felt all the world was right and you believed wholeheartedly that the end result would be what you wanted…what you expected.
The Dance
Looking back, on the memory of,
The dance we shared, beneath the stars above,
For a moment, all the world was right,
How could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye,
And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end, the way it all would go,
Our lives, are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king.
If I'd only known, how the king would fall.
Well who's to say, you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.
Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss, the dance
”Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.” ~ Author Unknown
“Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man.” ~ Victor Hugo
Ahh there’s a word…HOPE. It means different things to different people. I HOPE I get that job promotion. I HOPE traffic lets up so I’m not late. I HOPE he likes me. I HOPE I’m not getting sick. I hope, I hope, I hope.
Hope is defined as a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Perhaps I’m using the word “hope” incorrectly these days. You see, I have an incredibly strong desire but it’s foolish to think that it will come to fruition the way I’m HOPING it will. There’s a term HOPE AGAINST HOPE and that means to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment. Maybe that’s the right attitude to have. But then, isn’t that doubting or being negative? Is it being realistic? Isn’t it exciting to HOPE? To have the anticipation that everything will turn out the way you want it too? But it doesn’t always work that way and then those feelings of hope are met with disappointment and sadness.
To go through life hopeless would be depressing. You’d never have anything to look forward to. You wouldn’t be able to celebrate those moments of prayers being answered or hope coming true. I suppose that being hopeful isn’t so bad. It’s a chance you take that may be met with conflict but at least there was that moment – that fleeting moment – when you felt all the world was right and you believed wholeheartedly that the end result would be what you wanted…what you expected.
The Dance
Looking back, on the memory of,
The dance we shared, beneath the stars above,
For a moment, all the world was right,
How could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye,
And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end, the way it all would go,
Our lives, are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king.
If I'd only known, how the king would fall.
Well who's to say, you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.
Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss, the dance
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Putting It All In Perspective
I've been incredibly blessed to have my Mom in my life for the past 33 years.
She has defied medical odds twice now. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer the same year she had me. It was very aggressive and ultimately spread bilaterally. Her doctors didn't expect her to live a year. She prayed that she would just be able see me graduate from Kindergarten. She told me that story the day of my high school graduation.
And here we are again. My Mom has a large tumor in both lungs that has spread throughout her chest, neck and adrenal glands. It's growing into her heart cavity and has become increasingly painful. The tumor was initially found February 2007. It's now January 2009 and she's surviving...having opted to not seek any form of treatment.
She has good days and she has bad days but it seems they're more bad than good lately.
I honestly don't know how much time she has left but trying to wrap my mind around it is dizzying. The entire experience has changed me so much but it has also brought some wonderful blessings into my life.
1). It has brought the six of us kids (my 3 older brothers, 2 older sisters and I) so much closer. I've learned to trust and lean on my siblings more than I ever have before.
2). It has brought my Mom and I closer and we've had the opportunity to talk and talk and talk. I'm so thankful for that. For the special moments when it's just her and I and she imparts some beautiful piece of motherly advice. I cherish and hang on her every word.
3). It has helped me put life's trivial woes into perspective. I won't say more than that on the subject.
4). My faith has increased exponentially. My Mom introduced Christianity into my life as a small child and there's a peace knowing that we will see each other again someday.
I am forever changed because of this experience. To be honest, I feel a little cheated as I've had to lose my parents at way too young of an age. I'm just getting to the crossroads in life where I need my Mom to tell me how to quiet my crying baby in the middle of the night. She's the heart of this family and I'm not sure how we carry on without her. And while I've put on a brave front for the past 2 years, I am devastated.
When it does happen, and I feel it will be very very soon, I'm reminded of the love of family and friends and the comfort I've known from sharing this experience with all of them.
My world is spinning wildly these days and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
She has defied medical odds twice now. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer the same year she had me. It was very aggressive and ultimately spread bilaterally. Her doctors didn't expect her to live a year. She prayed that she would just be able see me graduate from Kindergarten. She told me that story the day of my high school graduation.
And here we are again. My Mom has a large tumor in both lungs that has spread throughout her chest, neck and adrenal glands. It's growing into her heart cavity and has become increasingly painful. The tumor was initially found February 2007. It's now January 2009 and she's surviving...having opted to not seek any form of treatment.
She has good days and she has bad days but it seems they're more bad than good lately.
I honestly don't know how much time she has left but trying to wrap my mind around it is dizzying. The entire experience has changed me so much but it has also brought some wonderful blessings into my life.
1). It has brought the six of us kids (my 3 older brothers, 2 older sisters and I) so much closer. I've learned to trust and lean on my siblings more than I ever have before.
2). It has brought my Mom and I closer and we've had the opportunity to talk and talk and talk. I'm so thankful for that. For the special moments when it's just her and I and she imparts some beautiful piece of motherly advice. I cherish and hang on her every word.
3). It has helped me put life's trivial woes into perspective. I won't say more than that on the subject.
4). My faith has increased exponentially. My Mom introduced Christianity into my life as a small child and there's a peace knowing that we will see each other again someday.
I am forever changed because of this experience. To be honest, I feel a little cheated as I've had to lose my parents at way too young of an age. I'm just getting to the crossroads in life where I need my Mom to tell me how to quiet my crying baby in the middle of the night. She's the heart of this family and I'm not sure how we carry on without her. And while I've put on a brave front for the past 2 years, I am devastated.
When it does happen, and I feel it will be very very soon, I'm reminded of the love of family and friends and the comfort I've known from sharing this experience with all of them.
My world is spinning wildly these days and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Who I Am
Why am I always so apologetic for who I am? All the little intricacies that make up JOY. They're unique and they're mine. I don't pretend to be anything than what I am and I'm proud to be me.
I'm imperfect, I'm clumsy, I have a tendency to be loud, I have many different laughs (depending on the situation and how funny something ACTUALLY is), I squint up just my left eye when I laugh really hard, I enunciate, I have perfect penmanship, I take a long time to get ready, I have a terrible memory, I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm emotional, if I'm in love - I love with ALL of my heart, I tend to smirk instead of smile, I could be a better daughter...sister...aunt...friend, I text and drive, I slouch, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can recite lyrics to a dozen different old school rap songs, I get excited over snow, I smile at babies and old people, I'm an open book and sometimes OVER share, I'm impatient, I can't dance, I worry, I sometimes bite my nails, I take extra long showers, I always have random bruises on my arms and legs, I say "REALLY???" a lot, I'm whimsical, I daydream, I have a love/hate relationship with organization, I put my foot in my mouth A LOT.
I find myself always saying, "I'm sorry" and I'm tired of it. I'm all of these things and so much more. I'm not perfect, and I certainly don't pretend to be.
Love it or leave it, this is who I am.
I'm imperfect, I'm clumsy, I have a tendency to be loud, I have many different laughs (depending on the situation and how funny something ACTUALLY is), I squint up just my left eye when I laugh really hard, I enunciate, I have perfect penmanship, I take a long time to get ready, I have a terrible memory, I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm emotional, if I'm in love - I love with ALL of my heart, I tend to smirk instead of smile, I could be a better daughter...sister...aunt...friend, I text and drive, I slouch, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can recite lyrics to a dozen different old school rap songs, I get excited over snow, I smile at babies and old people, I'm an open book and sometimes OVER share, I'm impatient, I can't dance, I worry, I sometimes bite my nails, I take extra long showers, I always have random bruises on my arms and legs, I say "REALLY???" a lot, I'm whimsical, I daydream, I have a love/hate relationship with organization, I put my foot in my mouth A LOT.
I find myself always saying, "I'm sorry" and I'm tired of it. I'm all of these things and so much more. I'm not perfect, and I certainly don't pretend to be.
Love it or leave it, this is who I am.
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