That Old Suitcase

Seems I bitch a lot these days. Don't get me wrong, I've got plenty that makes me smile as well but the bad stuff is just magnified now. I'm hoping it's temporary because I'm starting to annoy myself a little.

Happiness is...

watching Bella sleep and watching her little paw and tail twitch like she's chasing something.

having a ladybug crawl all over you and just being content.

looking into the eyes of someone who loves you and seeing your love reflected a hundredfold.

a new apartment and blank canvas on which to create your own masterpiece.

a warm embrace and a soft voice saying, "I'm so sorry. It's going to be okay."

Early Friday morning, someone broke into my car. They ransacked the glove box, the middle console and rifled through my loose change and papers. They left a blender, mechanical wine opener, yoga mat, a dress and a pair of shoes - all of which was waiting to make its way to my new apartment - lying, untouched, on the floor of the passenger's side. I popped the trunk and everything looked in place. At first glance I only noticed the mess. Then I realized, they took my make-up bag!! I bitched and moaned about how expensive make-up is. So, in a an effort to turn a negative experience into a positive one, I went shopping yesterday and splurged on the more expensive brands and decided I'd pamper myself. I came home with a smile on my face and felt an unfamiliar feeling...HAPPINESS.

As I was laying in bed this morning, I started thinking about the days events and how I needed to make sure I hit my storage unit before they closed at 1:45. I still have boxes of memories, from cleaning out my parent's house, taking up space in my apartment. And of course, my grandfather's old suitcase in my trunk full of my old Barbies, Strawberry Shortcake dolls, baby dolls, odds and ends from my childhood and most importantly, a note from my Dad stating how I was truly a joy "Love, Daddy". That suitcase held my childhood and a lifetime of memories that I hoped to share with my kids someday. I jumped out of bed, ran outside and popped my trunk. At second glance I realized there WAS something missing from the trunk. The suitcase. Remnants that it was there were still fresh in the trunk and in my mind. Old pieces of tattered leather were present on a old white towel laying close by.

You see, I've left pieces of my heart scattered all over the place in the past 34 years. And today, I'll never forget standing out on the street, in tears, when it hit me. *crash*



How strange to put a price on material and tangible things like make-up and mourn the loss of such a "necessity" (read:sarcasm) when something so precious and priceless has been taken from you.

And such is life.

Baby Steps

Forgive me bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been, well, quite some time since my last blog.

It's been a wild ride, that's for sure. I've watched friendships fade, friendships flourish, family fade, and family flourish. When I said this was a metamorphosis, I wasn't kidding. I've come a long way since February but have accepted that I still have a long way to go. To those closest to me, thank you for being patient with me and loving me through all of this pain and stress. I'm doing the best I can at the present time.



One minute I've got it all together and the next it just slips through my grasp.



Undone
Tim Blane

I wear a piece of you curved on my finger
On an otherwise plain left hand
It was the least I knew of how to remember
The place that I began



I don’t know if I should listen to logic or lose it
I know it’s just a symbol, but still…

I’m grown up somehow
I may not be the prodigal son
But don’t look now
I’m finally starting to come undone

I felt the piece of you snap under pressure
When I opened up my fist
First thing I thought of was how it would upset you
If you were here to witness this

I don’t know if I just take it for granted, But I’m used
to feeling more together than right now




Half Of It
Tim Blane

It’s guess work, it’s child’s play, but frustrates you when
You sense it, it passes and won’t come back again
You think you can taste it, an answer maybe two
Until your shouting at the sky for a signal of what to do

You feel like some days it hurts to pray
But you don’t know the half of it
Making too much noise to listen for the call back
So give God a break
Cause even if he answers you
I think you might not hear the phone ring anyway

The mind tricks, the eyes fool, the ears play along
When you’re asking for fixes to everything that’s wrong
Persistence is worth it, but listen as well
Cause you can’t hear back if you’re only inclined to yell

Even good intentions
Will leave you feeling left out
If you never take time off


Stop This Train
John Mayer

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own



Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.



Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train







Life will never be the same without you, but I'm trying to find my way.

Recovery

Perhaps my metamorphosis has been in the process all along. However, to me, it feels like it happened overnight.

I remember walking up the sidewalk to my Mom's house on the day we all left and as I reached the door, it hit me...I grew up. I was no longer anyone's child. I was on my own. It was as scary as it was exhilarating. It was as if everything my Mom had ever taught me was preparing me for this moment. The proverbial Momma bird, Baby bird scenario...time to leave the nest little one and fly on your own.

I feel a little ill-prepared, like I'm not ready for the training wheels to come off yet. I'm just getting my footing after the loss but there are reminders everywhere that life goes on - and so must I. But sometimes life moves so fast that I merely move out of the way so I don't get rolled over. Not being an active participant isn't healthy. I need to merge back into the current of life and join the crowd again. Baby steps.

I told a close friend that I feel like I've aged 5 years and it shows...at least to me. I see it in my eyes. I feel like I've lost my sparkle and in some ways, I have. My Mom was a light in my life and the light burned out. I'm left to be a reflection of that light and need to create my own but I'm afraid I've dimmed a little.

So how do I recapture that spirit, vivacity and light?

Nothing makes sense right now. I just go through motions. I get up and shower, get dressed, go to work...because I have to...certainly not because I want to.

I'm just so tired.

And That's Okay

I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I've been relying on "sleeping aids" to coax me INTO bed and get me to sleep. I float through my day as if I have no responsibilities. I daydream. I feel sluggish, lazy, unmotivated. I feel like I have no purpose. I feel like I lack the drive to move forward. I feel like every task is much too daunting to conquer. Family and friends call but I don't want to talk to them unless I'm in the mood to. I haven't sent out any "thank you" cards for flowers, donations, assistance. I have no momentum. Friends have gotten frustrated with me because I'm not returning phone calls. People have said, "I hope you're in a better mood tomorrow" or commented on my changed attitude. Others can't understand why I can be so happy and carefree one moment and the next withdrawn and scattered.

I have really enjoyed laughing and having fun. I've enjoyed spending time with my family and my friends. But out of the blue, depression strikes and sends me spiraling out of control. I went through 2 weeks of thinking, "Wow, I haven't been upset or sad or cried. I'm handling this so well! I'm so strong!" Well, I can tell you that in those other 2 weeks I was thinking, "I'm so sad. I am SO depressed. I can't handle this. I'm weaker than I thought." And so it goes...this rollercoaster of extreme emotions.

Maybe all of this is stemming from the fact that the one month mark is upon us. I don't want more time to pass. Each day just seems to take me further and further away from her. I miss her. I remember her stroking my hair to comfort me as I cried in her lap.

All the inspirational Bible verses, quotes, positive thoughts and loving words can't quench the pain today. Trust me, I've been searching for a piece to fit and bring me comfort. But for now, I think I'm just supposed to cry.

I e-mailed one of my best friends today and wrote this:

I'm having a tough day today. I've been so remiss in thanking you for everything. EVERYTHING. I appreciate how good you've been to me. You have given me breathing room to grieve however I need to. I feel like I've been so selfish and self-absorbed - and while my therapist and others have said, "Oh that's perfectly normal", it seems so unnatural for me. I feel guilty. Anyway, please know I love you to bits and pieces, recognize all your sugary goodness and APPRECIATE you more than you know.

Her response?

I don't think you are being remiss in anything. I want you to know that I know you care...I know you are hurting and healing, and I'm just here. If you want to call, call. If you want to hang, hang. If it gets to the point where I think you are not calling or hanging enough...I will make you. I think you should be more selfish...I know I would be. I think you should do what makes you feel better right now, and don't worry about measuring up to anyone's thoughts on grieving or ideal time lines. We're all here for you, and that means waiting and breathing with you.

That's what friends are for...in good times, in bad times...I'll be on your side forever more....


I can't tell you what makes me feel better, I only know it when it's happening, in that moment. I'm grieving and the process is beyond my control and comprehension.

Scattered Thoughts

Written over the course of the week of March 1, 2009. Here's a little glimpse at my grief. It is certainly a rollercoaster of emotion, changing from one minute to the next.

A Series of Thoughts


1st thought

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, I asked my Mom how she was able to stay so composed. Her response? "God has given me a peace that passes all understanding." I never truly understood how that worked. And here I sit, a little over a week since my Mom went home to heaven, with this incredible peace. If you had asked me a month ago, I would have told you I anticipated being catatonic or unable to be consoled. The strength I have in indescribable and, while I know it comes from God, I believe it comes from my Mom.

Buried deep down inside, is a torrent of tears...I can feel it rage from time to time, but they never surface. Part of me credits God's peace and the other part of me thinks the loss of my Mom hasn't completely set in yet. Maybe it's a little of both. I'm such a control freak that I want to be in control of my emotions and when and where they occur. I'm experiencing so many different emotions - anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, happiness, depression.


2nd thought

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. You see, I can rationalize almost anything. I sit here and tell myself that my Mom could have died 32 years ago from breast cancer and I may have grown up without a Mom. Trust me, I've looked on the bright side in order to get through this but right now, let me just let go.

Let me start again.

I'm 33 and I've lost both my Mom and my Dad. Right now I'm angry. I'm sad and I'm angry. My future children will never know their grandparents. I can only tell them stories and show them pictures but they will never know their touch or their voice or their mannerisms. My parents will never get to hold their grandchildren. I will never get to call my Mom and say, "Momma!! I'm pregnant!!" I will never get to surprise them with that news. I feel a little robbed. I feel slighted, somehow. And yes, I have rationalized it all down to an "I'm fine. I'm very peaceful and look forward to seeing them again someday and I know they'll hold their grandchildren before I do blah blah blah." That's my front, I suppose.

It just sunk in all of a sudden.

I feel like my tolerance has lessened. I feel on edge. I don't want to work. I don't really want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sit. ON THE FLOOR. and just sit. Let life go on around me. I don't want to be part of anything right now.

And I'm told it's all completely normal. Well, I don't feel normal. I feel altered. I feel out of control.


3rd (and final) thought

"Each time we embrace a memory, we meet once again with those we love, for the heart never forgets".

Stages of Grief

It's 10PM and I'm sitting in the dining room opposite my Mom's 24 hour crisis care Hospice nurse. It's quite disconcerting knowing that someone has put a limit on your Mom's life. It's surreal to think the breathing you hear coming through on the baby monitor may cease at any moment.

I've run a full gammut of emotions in the past 24 hours. I've been sad, happy, nostalgic, numb - but now I'm experiencing the worst one yet. Anger. What am I angry at? I don't even know. The world? Everything is making me angry. I know it's the grief but I have no control over my emotions right now. I feel so out of control and almost outside myself. I feel like I'm in a car spinning on ice.

I know what I'm going through is natural and normal but I don't want to go through this. I don't want to sit here and watch the life literally fade from her. I'm watching death happen. It's cruel.

I may feel different when the sun comes up but right now, I'm falling apart.

Background Noise

This Sunday at church, I found myself distracted by the hundreds of thoughts racing through my head.

I was replaying all the details of the day before...I was recalling family drama...I was thinking ahead to my afternoon plans. In the background noise I heard Dr. Stepp talking about Mary, the mother of James and John, making the request that her sons sit on either side of his throne in heaven and how the other disciples took offense to this. Everything was a bit of a blur until - and it was almost as if the sermon was interrupted for a commercial break - Dr. Stepp said, "Isn't it amazing how we come to church to find God but our minds are focused on the distractions of our everyday life. We come here, but we can't find Him." It was at that moment I took notice.

I have a tendency to wander away from God when things are going well in my life. I find that I pray only in times of need or of distress rather than praying in times of happiness. I give thanks to God, but in passing. Just a wink and not much more than that.

Last night I was talking to a friend and I told him I was flipping through my Bible trying to find a good Bible verse for what was on my mind. He suggested I Google it. So I did. And I discovered that we are never nearer to God than when we are troubled. In times of comfort and ease we forget him. In the worst of times, we suddenly remember.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:25-26

"When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior." Isaiah 43:1-3

While our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. Our present troubles are quite small in the grand scheme of things...and they won't last very long. Yet these opportunities for growth produce an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!

The Happy One

Today my friend Tami told me that my blogs were so sad. I decided that TODAY my blog would be dedicated to the happy.

So here's what's making me happy in my world right now…

God and faith. Here's a guy who loves me unconditionally and is so merciful and gracious even when I'm so undeserving. I talk A LOT and, although he doesn't say much I know he's listening - and better yet, I know he's working on me. It's like the story Pastor Stepp told in church last Sunday of the shepherd who left his flock to find that 1 little sheep that nibbled it's way out of the pack and wandered away...lost and scared. And when he found that sheep, he celebrated it's return. See? That makes me smile!

Amazing friends. Amelia, who I have attached at my hip on Blackberry Messenger. She receives random messages from me throughout the night and early mornings when I can't sleep and just need to get some thoughts out. We both understand and can relate to one another. Sarah, who is away on the Rock Boat but will be back soon and spending more time with me here in Florida. She listens, asks questions and gives loving encouragement to me. She's unapologetically Sarah, and that makes me smile. LP, who makes nights to remember with me, eats cheesecake with me and laughs at my inappropriate and giraffe like tendencies. Chandler (and T) who host a weekly nurturing "Girl's Night" accompanied with bottles of vino, games of Apples to Apples and back patio caring and sharing, analyzing and impartial advising.

My family, who I've grown so much closer to over the past 3 months. Reconnecting with my cousin, Nicole, and catching up on life. Spending weekends with my sisters and brothers and lovin on my Mom. Making so many new memories, recalling old ones and laughing...just laughing.

Memorial Presbyterian Church. It's been a homecoming, of sorts, for me. All the families of kids I grew up with at King's Academy and friends I knew through First Baptist Church are flooding back into my life and it's a great feeling. I attend the Bible Study each Wednesday evening and sing in the choir on Sunday. I look forward to this each and every week.

Music. Ahh yes, Sarah knows the CD I have in my car. The one I put on when I need to clear my head, sing at the top of my lungs and forget about everything around me (except driving safe, of course). Writing lyrics, learning this guitar and these beasties called bar chords and not taking the cheaters way around them. So proud. My new weekly voice lessons and learning songs. It makes me smile too to realize all the things I've unlocked recently…my ability to sight-read, controlled breathing, time signatures…I've known all of this for years but never used it. I'm having all these, "I KNOW THIS!!!" moments and it's sweeeeeeet.

The furry little loves of my life. Bella and Benson. They truly are lights in my life and love unconditionally no matter if I spend 30 seconds with them or 3 hours. They've made me more responsible and, I suppose, more responsive. They always do something new to make me laugh.

This weather!! It's the one time during the year I can actually wear my Uggs in Florida. I wore a coat out last night! And a scarf! I love the crispness in the air when it's chilly. I love the cold weather SO much. Smiles.

Facebook. Yeah, facebook. Thanks for connecting me with all these blasts from my past. I've found pretty much everyone I went to King's Academy with and looking back through old photos and reminiscing with classmates has been so entertaining. It's wonderful to be able to communicate with my extended family and keep each other in the loop of what's going on in critical (and not so critical) moments. Bumper stickers and flair? Well, lately, they too have made me smile. It's the simple things, really.

Clematis Street makes me grin because I have yummy Rocco's Tacos and delicious Starbucks in my backyard. Weekends are bliss (during the day only though).

Hall & Oates, woooaaahhh here they come! Definitely a highlight in the smile/happy department. My brother and I scored front row seats...after almost 8 concerts that involved standing in the back, in the heat of summer, in the rain, driving to random cities throughout Florida...we will finally be seeing them in a way we've never seen them before.

My Blackberry. Guilty pleasure. I have a love/hate relationship with it really. My calendar keeps me on schedule and on time, believe it or not. Who knew the Blackberry was what I needed ALL this time to keep me from being late? Hah. I play Brickbreaker just 'one more time' to see if I can make it past level 11. The video, music, photo, memo, voice recorder capacities...yay. OK, enough about that.

I'm sure I'll add to this one blog as I realize more and more things that are bringing me happiness. These are just the things that are highlighted for me right now.

And so there, Tami. A happy blog. Boy that felt good!

The Sirens Song

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place." – Unknown


In Greek mythology, The Sirens are sisters (one of brilliant voice, one of enchanting words, one of persuasion and one of song) who lure sailors to their death. The song of the Sirens is irresistible but they reside beyond impassable reefs, which destroy the sailors boat when they try to reach the Sirens.

I need to turn this ship around. I keep crashing up against the jagged rocks over and over again. The temptation to continue on this dangerous course is bigger than me and I've grown weary of swimming away from this sinking vessel.

But the music is just beautiful...and so I drown.

It's All Preparation

"Baby, I wish I could be here to see how your life turns out."

"I just hope I make the right choices, Momma."

"Just remember all those promises you made."


All my sisters converged upon my Mom's house this weekend to pack up her Christmas decorations. 2008 would be the last year my Mom's house would be decorated with all of her holiday treasures. So we selected all the little things that had special meaning to us and made our piles. I have a red Santa boot that has been around since before I was born and just knowing I will have it adorning my home someday at Christmas, warmed my heart.

We called it a girl's night slumber party - my Mom, my Aunt Pat, Ginger, Patty, Amy and I - we ordered pizza, had girl talk, laughed, cried, watched a movie, ate desserts and stayed up really late. It was truly a bonding experience. I'm amazed at how close we've all become through this trying time.

My Mom worries about me, being the youngest, and not being here to see me experience so many things. I don't want her to worry...but she's a Mom and I guess that's her job. I'm sitting here now in tears as I type this. I hope God allows her to be an angel in my life so she can watch how it all unfolds.

I just hope I make her proud.

Hope Against Hope

“Hope never abandons you, you abandon it.” ~ George Weinberg

”Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.” ~ Author Unknown

“Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man.” ~ Victor Hugo


Ahh there’s a word…HOPE. It means different things to different people. I HOPE I get that job promotion. I HOPE traffic lets up so I’m not late. I HOPE he likes me. I HOPE I’m not getting sick. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Hope is defined as a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment. Perhaps I’m using the word “hope” incorrectly these days. You see, I have an incredibly strong desire but it’s foolish to think that it will come to fruition the way I’m HOPING it will. There’s a term HOPE AGAINST HOPE and that means to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment. Maybe that’s the right attitude to have. But then, isn’t that doubting or being negative? Is it being realistic? Isn’t it exciting to HOPE? To have the anticipation that everything will turn out the way you want it too? But it doesn’t always work that way and then those feelings of hope are met with disappointment and sadness.

To go through life hopeless would be depressing. You’d never have anything to look forward to. You wouldn’t be able to celebrate those moments of prayers being answered or hope coming true. I suppose that being hopeful isn’t so bad. It’s a chance you take that may be met with conflict but at least there was that moment – that fleeting moment – when you felt all the world was right and you believed wholeheartedly that the end result would be what you wanted…what you expected.


The Dance

Looking back, on the memory of,
The dance we shared, beneath the stars above,
For a moment, all the world was right,
How could I have known, that you'd ever say goodbye,

And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end, the way it all would go,
Our lives, are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king.
If I'd only known, how the king would fall.
Well who's to say, you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss, the dance.

Yes my life, is better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss, the dance

Putting It All In Perspective

I've been incredibly blessed to have my Mom in my life for the past 33 years.

She has defied medical odds twice now. My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer the same year she had me. It was very aggressive and ultimately spread bilaterally. Her doctors didn't expect her to live a year. She prayed that she would just be able see me graduate from Kindergarten. She told me that story the day of my high school graduation.

And here we are again. My Mom has a large tumor in both lungs that has spread throughout her chest, neck and adrenal glands. It's growing into her heart cavity and has become increasingly painful. The tumor was initially found February 2007. It's now January 2009 and she's surviving...having opted to not seek any form of treatment.

She has good days and she has bad days but it seems they're more bad than good lately.

I honestly don't know how much time she has left but trying to wrap my mind around it is dizzying. The entire experience has changed me so much but it has also brought some wonderful blessings into my life.

1). It has brought the six of us kids (my 3 older brothers, 2 older sisters and I) so much closer. I've learned to trust and lean on my siblings more than I ever have before.

2). It has brought my Mom and I closer and we've had the opportunity to talk and talk and talk. I'm so thankful for that. For the special moments when it's just her and I and she imparts some beautiful piece of motherly advice. I cherish and hang on her every word.

3). It has helped me put life's trivial woes into perspective. I won't say more than that on the subject.

4). My faith has increased exponentially. My Mom introduced Christianity into my life as a small child and there's a peace knowing that we will see each other again someday.

I am forever changed because of this experience. To be honest, I feel a little cheated as I've had to lose my parents at way too young of an age. I'm just getting to the crossroads in life where I need my Mom to tell me how to quiet my crying baby in the middle of the night. She's the heart of this family and I'm not sure how we carry on without her. And while I've put on a brave front for the past 2 years, I am devastated.

When it does happen, and I feel it will be very very soon, I'm reminded of the love of family and friends and the comfort I've known from sharing this experience with all of them.

My world is spinning wildly these days and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Who I Am

Why am I always so apologetic for who I am? All the little intricacies that make up JOY. They're unique and they're mine. I don't pretend to be anything than what I am and I'm proud to be me.

I'm imperfect, I'm clumsy, I have a tendency to be loud, I have many different laughs (depending on the situation and how funny something ACTUALLY is), I squint up just my left eye when I laugh really hard, I enunciate, I have perfect penmanship, I take a long time to get ready, I have a terrible memory, I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm emotional, if I'm in love - I love with ALL of my heart, I tend to smirk instead of smile, I could be a better daughter...sister...aunt...friend, I text and drive, I slouch, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can recite lyrics to a dozen different old school rap songs, I get excited over snow, I smile at babies and old people, I'm an open book and sometimes OVER share, I'm impatient, I can't dance, I worry, I sometimes bite my nails, I take extra long showers, I always have random bruises on my arms and legs, I say "REALLY???" a lot, I'm whimsical, I daydream, I have a love/hate relationship with organization, I put my foot in my mouth A LOT.

I find myself always saying, "I'm sorry" and I'm tired of it. I'm all of these things and so much more. I'm not perfect, and I certainly don't pretend to be.

Love it or leave it, this is who I am.